Communicating Feelings Effectively
By Dr Brian Brown
All of us from time to time have difficulties effectively
communicating our feelings. When emotions run high we may become
overwhelmed by a given situation and walk away thinking to
ourselves, “I should have done this or said that to this
person”. Students with learning disabilities and/or ADHD
in particular may become frustrated or overwhelmed by a given
interaction, in part due to misperceptions or incomplete information
as a result of their learning issues. Developing strategies
to better structure the communication of feelings becomes important
to all of us, especially students with learning disabilities
and/or ADHD.
Teaching ourselves what our physiological cues are that indicate
when we are becoming frustrated or angry is the first step
in communication of feelings. Early recognition of feelings
allows the individual to take control and implement their identified
strategies. Each of us is different when it comes to physiological
cues. Physiological cues are physical symptoms that one can
become aware of that their body is telling them that something
is not right. Think back to the last interaction you had where
feelings of anger or frustration were high. What did you feel
in your body? For some it is an upset stomach, or a sensation
of tingling in a certain part of their body. For others it
may be feeling warm, or flushness in their face, or even a
headache coming on. Recognizing these signs early allows one
to take control in the moment.
When you recognize these physiological cues the next step
is to do something about it. What is going on in the environment
around you that is bringing up these cues. Are you unsure or
uncomfortable in a given situation, is someone saying or doing
something that is causing you to become frustrated? One of
the first strategies used may be to seek clarification by asking
a question, or paraphrase what your understanding is to verify
for yourself and with the other person the meaning and intent
of what is being said or done. Teaching ourselves to make sure
we are accurate in our perceptions is important part of managing
our feelings.
Effectively communicating with another person that you are
upset, angry, or frustrated can lead to resolution of a given
situation. All of us can remember a time when we became overwhelmed
with our feelings of anger and said or did something we later
regretted. Often this poor attempt at managing our feelings
doesn’t lead to resolution and in fact can result in
an escalation of a situation. Falling back on a model of communication
of feelings can help structure this process. A simple one is
the, “I Feel…..Because…..I want/need” communication
model. This strategy provides a structure within which one
fills in the blanks. While the model is simple it has some
complex ramifications.
The first part of the communication model involves the identification
of the feeling, “I feel.” This is a present tense
state of being. I feel angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated,
annoyed, happy, or excited. The next part of the model, “Because”,
is the identification of the reasons for the feeling. This
is a past tense situation of what was said or behaviors done.
The example, “Because you are being stupid”, does
not work. This statement may be descriptive of the situation,
but will escalate the current situation. Sticking strictly
to the behaviors is important. So, an example of this might
be, “I feel angry, because I have asked you three times
to stop teasing your sister”. This is specific to the
behavior and is followed by identifying what you “want
or need” to have happen to resolve the situation. Putting
this all together, “I feel angry, because I have asked
you three times to stop teasing your sister, I need for you
to leave the room and give her space” might be an example
of using the communication model.
Notice this model can be used by anyone and ought to be. Modeling
the use of this communication model helps our children learn
to use it as well. The model helps ground a person and sequence
events across time. When your child is in the midst of an upsetting
situation prompt them on using the model by saying, “You
feel...Because…What do you want or need to have happen?” You
will be surprised at how helpful this tool is in allowing a
child to more effectively communicate what is going on in a
way that their feelings can be heard and a situation not escalated.
We are each responsible for the effective management or our
feelings, we are in control of feelings rather then our feelings
are in control of us.
Dr. Brian Brown is Assistant Director, Brehm Preparatory
School, Carbondale, IL
www.brehm.org
